Finding support that fits you

I thought about making this an article called “Five things you need to know about supporting yourself”. I could include breathing exercises, meditation, sitting quietly for a while and getting out for a bushwalk.

But breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth has always given me a headspin. I have ADHD, and sitting quietly can feel more stressful than continuing to do something. And if I have some time to myself, there is a good chance I would rather read than go for a bushwalk.

So this isn’t going to be that article.

Those things may work well for you. I’m interested in making room for support that looks different too, because when the usual advice doesn’t fit, it can leave you feeling as though you are getting that wrong as well.

Looking capable and feeling uncertain

As I have moved from being a peer to a manager, into leadership and then specialist work, each step has brought something new to learn. Much of that journey has involved looking brave on the outside while feeling far less certain underneath.

You take on the responsibility, have the conversation or offer your expertise. People see you doing it, and it is reasonable for them to assume you know what you are doing. What they don’t necessarily see is how much you are working through as you go.

The relationships around you can change too. Moving from peer to manager changes what you are responsible for and sometimes what you can comfortably share. As your work becomes more specialised, there may be fewer people nearby who understand the particular questions you are trying to answer.

For me, that journey has felt lonely at times. I am comfortable being the person who works things out, takes responsibility and supports others. Knowing where to turn for support myself has been less straightforward.

Support I didn’t know to look for

Some of the most useful support I have found has come from unlikely places. A conversation with someone whose circumstances are quite different, but whose story runs alongside mine in a way I recognise. Information from another discipline or sector that helps me make sense of something in my own work. People who are seeking connection without needing to compare achievements or compete.

They haven’t always had an answer. Sometimes the useful part has been hearing how someone else understood a similar experience, or finding language for something I had been struggling to explain. Other times, an idea has given me something practical to try.

Reading can do that for me too. I can follow someone else’s thinking, put it alongside my own and see whether it opens up a different way forward.

None of this means that every conversation needs to become a source of support. It has made me more open to recognising it when it happens, including when it arrives in a form I wasn’t expecting.

Building a circle

As my leadership journey has progressed, I have been building my circle, slowly, gently and with intention.

I don’t expect one person to understand every part of my work or provide every kind of support. There may be someone I can think aloud with, someone whose expertise helps with a particular question and someone whose company lets me put work aside for a while.

That circle is still developing. I don’t have a finished version to hold up as an example, and I don’t want to suggest that finding suitable people is always easy. Connection takes time, and some spaces feel more comfortable or useful than others.

But I am learning to pay attention to the conversations where I can be curious, admit uncertainty and leave with a little more clarity. Those are relationships worth making room for.

Finding what actually supports you

There is a particular look to a lot of advice about looking after yourself. Quiet mornings, a clear mind, a walk somewhere beautiful. It can be appealing, but it doesn’t tell the whole story of what helps a person feel supported.

Your version may involve movement or stillness, reading or conversation. It may include professional advice, practical assistance or a relationship where you don’t have to arrive with everything already worked out. Different situations may call for different things.

A breathing exercise cannot provide the expertise you need for a difficult decision. A helpful conversation cannot remove an unreasonable workload on its own. Part of finding support is recognising what kind of help the situation calls for, rather than expecting one practice to do everything.

So while I don’t have a neat answer to this one, I will say: whatever brings you joy, make time for it. Nurture it. Honour it. Sometimes we only recognise the privilege of having something in our lives when it is no longer there.

And if, like me, your calendar helps determine where your attention goes, this is permission to put whatever fills your cup in there too. It deserves a place alongside everything you make time for on behalf of other people.

Explore more perspectives and tools for I support everyone. Who supports me?.

Finding support doesn't always happen where we expect it. The Middle Ground Peer Circles offer a space to connect with others, share experiences and explore the challenges of leadership together.

More about Rebecca Brissett.